the passing room.

 My dad is in the ICU right now, likely going to pass in the next few days. I’ve been contemplating a lot of the logistics that are going to take place over the next few days, if not weeks. I’m trying to figure out a lot of the little things that are going to be actionable and a lot of the ways that things truly won’t be all that different in a very intimate and immediate way, but the weight of reflection has really taken on a different shine. It’s given me a lot of thought about legacy and the way that memories end up being our avatar, a bastion to those who need to seek us out when we’re not there any longer. The light we cast is the light they have. If they chose to capture it, it’s what they’re going to sustain with. 


Last night, or really, early morning after not being able to get too deep into a sleep, i had a dream that he was in a room with me. It may have been the living room I was in… but really, I don’t really remember the dimensions or the room itself. But he was standing there. It was the version of him when he was likely my age, possibly a bit younger. In his 30s or 40s. And he had his smoked out glasses on, the ones that were sort of two-toned, brown or some other dark shade on one half and clear on the other. He was smaller than he ended up being in old age. He seemed fit. Never skinny, never too tough or wiry, but a good average size for a man. He was that size. He was wearing a white t-shirt and i think tan shorts? Possibly faded jeans. A ball cap. He reminded me of who he was when he was the guy who would look after us when we were younger. Possibly the one who came to football games. The one who ended up coaching my football team one year. I would say it was likely what should have been the prime of his life. He was in the room with me and he was kind of talking to me in a strange dreamscape way. Not eerie. Just indistinct, the way a thought runs by your observer in a stream. I think we connected on some level, not in an embrace or anything, but instead more of a “i see you, i feel you here” kind of moment. And he said, “they’re trying to replace me with all of these doctors and nurses” and i didn’t hear it in his voice, but more the idea of his voice. He didn’t say it. He was confused, but not scared. Just making a remark.


This sort of reminds me of a time that happened when my first dog Duke passed away. I remember I was in my room in the house on Gardiners Ave and the dog was there with me and I felt really close with him. I had this dream after he passed away, and I remember telling people about it. I’m sure they didn’t believe me at the time. But this dream felt extraordinarily similar in the same sense of the David Lynch striped room, with no ambience, no vibration, just a waiting area. And there they were. With me and able to contact me. But without the insight of being able to communicate in any meaningful way. I got a slice of what was falling away.

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